40-ish...Really means...48

Athletic...Really means...Flat-chested.

Average looking...Really means...Ugly.

Beautiful...Really means...Pathological liar.

Educated...Really means...College dropout.

Emotionally Secure...Really means...Medicated.

Feminist...Really means...Fat; ball buster.

Free spirit...Really means...Drug user.

Friendship first...Really means...Trying to live down reputation as sl*t.

Fun...Really means...Annoying.

Good Listener...Really means...Borderline Autistic.

New-Age...Really means...All body hair, all the time.

Old-fashioned...Really means...Lights out, missionary position only.

Open-minded...Really means...Desperate.

Outgoing...Really means...Loud.

Poet...Really means...Depressive Schizophrenic.

Professional...Really means...Real Witch.

Redhead...Really means...Shops the Clairol section.

Reubenesque...Really means...Grossly Fat.

Romantic...Really means...Looks better by candle light.

Weight proportional to height...Really means...Hugely Fat.

Wants Soulmate...Really means...One step away from stalking.

Widow...Really means...Nagged first husband to death.