You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.