eBay Madness Never Ends

FLORIDA (Around The Weird) -- Since the dawn of man there's been rampant man-madness. The dawn of the web has likewise contained man web-madness, and where is a better place to find the oddness of our brother man than the famous internet auction site, eBay? You've seen strange listings, but trust me, we've seen them all.

There have been so many bizarre items across such an insane spectrum of the questionable, peculiar, and often outright illegal, that we couldn't possibly cover all of them. But if you're in the market for such peculiarities, here's a taste of what you might find on eBay, even if only listed for a very short time. We've tried to break it down into categories as ridiculous as the items offered.

Personal Me Stuff
Would-be eBay sellers have long sought to sell off things from their own person, some more tangible than others - everything from boogers, to virginity, to their soul, to an autographed jar of feces, the most recent 100 thoughts about sex and even naming rights to their newborn babies. Fortunately, eBay has established a policy prohibiting the trade of " human tissue", so most of these items, plus the likes of kidneys, fingers, shrunken heads, pickled man-wiener, drug-free urine, and thirty-one inches of toenails, have long since gone away. It's a shame though, the hardly-been-used glass eyes I used to see for sale seem to have lost their audience when they banned feet of hair from serial killers. Nothing's perfect, I suppose.

Me Personally, but Technically Somebody Else's Stuff
Then comes the matter of sellers trying to peddle things not belonging to them. There's been a bit more fuss in this category, since not only is much of it illegal, but not a scrap of it even remotely ethical. Things like "Grandma" and "a pair of Asian slaves" come to mind, but it certainly doesn't stop there, though for legal reasons, we will.

Social Statements
So what else can somebody try to sell that isn't explicitly their own? How about an assistant manager, judge, or Metallica's integrity? You don't have to be a file swapper in the thick of litigation to recognize the statement made is worth more than the closing auction. After all, if Metallica doesn't have their own integrity, how could this seller have saleable possession of it? You can go farther with the social message and still find your peace on eBay. Bid on a sense of humor, a conscience or even a fresh batch of dignity. It's hard to put a price on ones own dignity, but eBay will help you do just that, and after just a few days, you can find out what it's worth, buy it, and be on your way to a happier, healthier, broker, dumber you... did I forget something? Did I leave something out?

Things That May or May Not Exist
Why stop with quasi-tangibles? You're a savvy buyer; you might as well foray into the realm of intangible. Technically, you can buy and sell anything you want on eBay, so long as it's legal. If you've got a birthday or other special occasion coming up, why not pick up a UFO finder, haunted photographs or go a step further, actual ghost poo? There's a whole alien or an entire alien cloning farm. Any of these things may fill the void so patently visible in your life, but if you still feel empty, maybe drop a ten-spot on the secret of life, the meaning of life or a handful of Benjamin’s on the Ark of the Covenant. If that doesn't fulfill you, perhaps you can't be fulfilled at any price.

But if you still want that much more, maybe you need any number of grilled cheese sandwich personages, French toast "not eaten by N'Sync's Justin Timberlake", or the raft on which Elian Gonzalez allegedly fared the high seas, though almost certainly did not. There's no proof to any of these claims, but like the religious folk say, you've got to have faith.

Things Animalian
Personally, I love animals. I love those talking pet shows on TV, as well as Muppets, petting zoos and even those damned howler monkeys at the zoo, but not during mating season - some things merit no mention. Even with all that in mind, I'm not sure why I'd want to buy a dead, stuffed bongo playing frog, a skeleton of a mouse in an antique bottle, penis bones from a raccoon, a dog-fur coat, a mummified cat or even the archaeologists long-standing, self proclaimed favorite, fossilized turtle poo... not kidding, turtle poo locked forever in natural stone... are there no limits?
But don't answer yet, there's more!

Wage Your Own War
Why not? It's all the rage around the world. There's no better place to pick up all your military war supplies here, and at rock bottom discounts. I should warn you, however, that it is illegal to buy or sell a hand gun on eBay. But there are so many other things you can get! How about a real life missile silo (several have been listed and sold) or actual, true-to-life missiles? Don't worry, they're technically decommissioned, but seeing as you've already bought the evil underground lair, the minions to recommission such contraptions should scant be far behind. Maybe a Russian Military Patrol Boat is more your speed, or a Russian submarine, or maybe a SCUD missile launcher truck with only 2,200 original miles on it? There are American models regularly listed too if you prefer. How about all kinds of late-model tanks, personnel carriers, jeeps, forsaken military land? You name it. Forget the sharks with frigging lasers attached to their frigging heads, you can buy smarter and war longer thanks to the power of the internet.

Valuable, I Suppose, But Not Terribly Useful.
Got money to burn and want a good investment? You can email me personally and I'll make a couple of smarter suggestions than these, but in the meantime, why not plunk down some ducats on your very own bobsled team, a defunct supercomputer owned by a university in New Zealand, 1000 tons of fabric, or maybe some super-rare, extra-clear, ultra-sticky... tape. Want something more tangible? Consider a Dodge Neon monster truck, or maybe a vastly more classy (though equally redneck) limousine (also a monster truck, of course). But if you want to buy my opinion, it will cost you a pretty penny. You'd never buy it though, you're a smart shopper and you can get one wholesale on eBay for a mere quarter.

(And of course) Things With No Ostensible Value Whatsoever.
There are those among us, who wish to wage no war, invest for no return and who do not have a single hobby. For those we recommend a different flavor of purchase. If you felt your pet rock was good, except that you got too smart a value out of it, consider bidding on snow, thanks, a pinch of fairy dust, an empty PS2 box (with no PS2, of course), a " nudist colony Barbie" (get it, it's a regular Barbie but everything with value is missing), an Honorary membership to the Klan, or even a used, non-functioning vibrator... yep, it's been run into the ground, among other places, and now it's yours for the bidding. These values don't compare with purchasing the sun (go ahead, vacation there over the winter,) a box of admittedly "absolutely nothing", but it's a better waste of money than my personal favorite, the self-proclaimed "break even" auction, where you can purchase one US dollar for $0.67 (with 33 cents shipping.)

Hey, it all beats getting your ass kicked, but don't worry, that's for sale too. Once you buy it and get your ass kicked, you can buy ads on peoples cars, RV's and foreheads telling the world that you're that sucker. Don't feel alone, there's one of you born every minute.