eBay Madness Never Ends
FLORIDA (Around The Weird) -- Since the dawn of man there's been rampant
man-madness. The dawn of the web has likewise contained man web-madness,
and where is a better place to find the oddness of our brother
man than the famous internet auction site, eBay? You've seen strange
listings, but trust me, we've seen them all.
There have been so
many bizarre items across such an insane spectrum of the questionable,
peculiar, and often outright illegal, that we couldn't
possibly cover all of them. But if you're in the market for such
peculiarities, here's a taste of what you might find on eBay,
even if only listed for
a very short time. We've tried to break it down into categories
as ridiculous as the items offered.
Personal Me Stuff
Would-be eBay sellers have long sought to sell off things from
their own person, some more tangible than others - everything
from boogers, to virginity, to their soul, to an autographed jar of feces,
the most recent 100 thoughts about sex and even naming rights
to their
newborn babies. Fortunately, eBay has established a policy prohibiting
the trade of " human tissue", so most of these items, plus
the likes of kidneys, fingers, shrunken heads, pickled man-wiener,
drug-free urine, and thirty-one inches of toenails, have long
since gone away. It's a shame though, the hardly-been-used glass
eyes I used to see for sale seem to have lost their audience
when they banned
feet of hair from serial killers. Nothing's perfect, I suppose.
Me Personally, but Technically Somebody Else's Stuff
Then comes the matter of sellers trying to peddle things not belonging
to them. There's been a bit more fuss in this category, since
not only is much of it illegal, but not a scrap of it even remotely ethical.
Things like "Grandma" and "a pair of Asian slaves" come
to mind, but it certainly doesn't stop there, though for legal
reasons, we will.
Social Statements
So what else can somebody try to sell that isn't explicitly their
own? How about an assistant manager, judge, or Metallica's integrity?
You don't have to be a file swapper in the thick of litigation
to recognize the statement made is worth more than the closing
auction. After all,
if Metallica doesn't have their own integrity, how could this
seller have saleable possession of it? You can go farther with
the social message and still
find your peace on eBay. Bid on a sense of humor, a conscience
or even a fresh batch of dignity. It's hard to put a price on
ones own dignity,
but eBay
will help you do just that, and after just a few days, you can
find out what it's worth, buy it, and be on your way to a happier,
healthier,
broker, dumber you... did I forget something? Did I leave something
out?
Things That May or May Not Exist
Why stop with quasi-tangibles? You're a savvy buyer; you might
as well foray into the realm of intangible. Technically, you
can buy and sell anything you want on eBay, so long as it's legal. If you've
got a birthday or other special occasion coming up, why not pick
up
a UFO finder, haunted photographs or go a step further, actual
ghost poo? There's a whole alien or an entire alien cloning farm. Any of
these things may fill the void so patently visible in your life,
but
if you still feel empty, maybe drop a ten-spot on the secret
of life, the meaning of life or a handful of Benjamin’s on the Ark
of the Covenant. If that doesn't fulfill you, perhaps you can't be fulfilled
at any price.
But if you still want that much more, maybe you
need any number of grilled cheese sandwich personages, French
toast "not eaten
by N'Sync's Justin Timberlake", or the raft on which Elian Gonzalez
allegedly fared the high seas, though almost certainly did not.
There's no proof to any of these claims, but like the religious
folk say, you've
got to have faith.
Things Animalian
Personally, I love animals. I love those talking pet shows on
TV, as well as Muppets, petting zoos and even those damned
howler monkeys
at the zoo, but not during mating season - some things merit
no mention. Even with all that in mind, I'm not sure why I'd
want to buy a dead,
stuffed bongo playing frog, a skeleton of a mouse in an antique
bottle, penis bones from a raccoon, a dog-fur coat, a mummified
cat or even
the archaeologists long-standing, self proclaimed favorite,
fossilized turtle poo... not kidding, turtle poo locked forever
in natural stone...
are there no limits?
But don't answer yet, there's more!
Wage Your Own War
Why not? It's all the rage around the world. There's no better
place to pick up all your military war supplies here, and at
rock bottom discounts. I should warn you, however, that it is
illegal to buy or
sell a hand gun on eBay. But there are so many other things you
can get! How about a real life missile silo (several have been
listed and
sold) or actual, true-to-life missiles? Don't worry,
they're technically decommissioned, but seeing as you've already
bought the evil underground lair, the minions to recommission
such contraptions
should scant be far behind. Maybe a Russian Military Patrol
Boat is
more your speed, or a Russian submarine, or maybe a SCUD missile
launcher truck with only 2,200 original miles on it? There are
American
models
regularly listed too if you prefer. How about all kinds of
late-model tanks, personnel carriers, jeeps, forsaken military
land? You name
it. Forget the sharks with frigging lasers attached to their
frigging heads, you can buy smarter and war longer thanks to
the power of the internet. Valuable, I Suppose, But Not Terribly Useful.
Got money to burn and want a good investment? You can email me
personally and I'll make a couple of smarter suggestions than these,
but in the meantime, why not plunk down some ducats on your very own
bobsled team, a defunct supercomputer owned by a university in New
Zealand, 1000 tons of fabric, or maybe some super-rare, extra-clear,
ultra-sticky... tape. Want something more tangible? Consider a Dodge
Neon monster truck, or maybe a vastly more classy (though equally redneck)
limousine (also a monster truck, of course). But if you want to buy
my opinion, it will cost you a pretty penny. You'd never buy it though,
you're a smart shopper and you can get one wholesale on eBay for a
mere quarter.
(And of course) Things With No Ostensible Value Whatsoever.
There are those among us, who wish to wage no war, invest for no
return and who do not have a single hobby. For those we recommend
a different flavor of purchase. If you felt your pet rock was good, except
that you got too smart a value out of it, consider bidding on
snow,
thanks, a pinch of fairy dust, an empty PS2 box (with no PS2,
of course), a " nudist colony Barbie" (get it, it's a regular
Barbie but everything with value is missing), an Honorary membership to
the
Klan, or even a used, non-functioning vibrator... yep, it's been
run into the ground, among other places, and now it's yours for the bidding.
These values don't compare with purchasing the sun (go ahead, vacation
there
over the winter,) a box of admittedly "absolutely
nothing",
but it's a better waste of money than my personal favorite, the
self-proclaimed "break
even" auction, where you can purchase one US dollar for $0.67
(with 33 cents shipping.)
Hey, it all beats getting your ass kicked, but
don't worry, that's for sale too. Once you buy it and get your
ass kicked, you
can buy ads on peoples cars, RV's and foreheads telling the
world that
you're that
sucker. Don't feel alone, there's one of you born every
minute.
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